“Film was ok, could have had a lot more tension build up and less human character build up. Still the gore was good!” (Jibba 19/01/08)

See I’d have to disagree with you on that point James, if I may? If you look at the seminal classic that was Alien - the finest film from both franchises - you will see that half of what made it so good was that you actually gave a shit about the characters!

When you’ve got some of the finest actors on board (Tom Skerritt, Sigourney Weaver, Veronica Cartwright, John Hurt and Ian Holm), and a script that actually delves into the persona’s you see on screen, then that’s a solid foundation upon which to build a sci-fi horror. Coupled with the expert direction of Ridley Scott and HR Giger’s awesome monster, this dark murky realisation surpasses all others in this genre.

So, yeah, the beauty of the first film was that the horror lay in what you couldn’t see. Rarely do modern-day horror directors allow the audience the opportunity to visualise their own version of the terror allowing imagination to take over. Scott did this brilliantly in the first film so that actually very rarely do we glimpse the creature, let alone all of it. This idea was carried on, although to a lesser extent, in the weaker but still excellent sequel, Aliens’ directed by James Cameron back in the day when he made decent movies (Titanic anyone?). Once again, you found yourself actually caring about some memorable characters - Hicks, Vasquez, Bishop, Hudson and of course, everyone’s favourite heroine, Lt. Ripley.

One of the major flaws, of which there are many, about this dire AvP movie (and I use the term loosely here) is that when all these Dawson river kids are running away from their impending death, no one actually cares whether they live or die! The kids are all too perfect looking with their glorious O.C. tans and model-esque bone structure, and so little is the character development that you find yourself willing the alien on to rid the world of such vile creatures.

The script was clearly written by a four year-old, the acting was more wooden than a Changing Rooms MDF Special, and the direction was amateur at best. Clearly trying to follow the now well-trodden path of using quick editing and cutting to try to heighten the tension, this tactic only succeeds in adding to the disjointed nature of the film.

The plot revolves around a Predator ship that crash-lands somewhere in an American woodland (where else?) with a few Aliens on board. Out come the infamous facehuggers who quickly attack a local hunter and his son and implant some of their chest-bursting spawn. The Predator himself dies and it’s up to one of his compadres from back home to come to the rescue (quite how his homeboy knew about the trouble is not really explained). Soon townsfolk are dying and the Predator is chasing Aliens all over town whilst, for some reason, dissolving all dead Aliens and people with blue ooze. This is never explained, though one assumes it is so that no evidence is left. Quite why he then decides to randomly skin one unlucky nobody and hang him from a tree is anyone’ guess. Also, running all over town shooting your shoulder gun at anything that moves is hardly subtle!

So anyway, you’ve got the dead Predator’s buddy, let’s call him Clive for ease of use, trying to destroy these Aliens which are gestating at an alarmingly quick rate (egg to full sized adult in 20 minutes it seemed (had they found a microwave??). At some point we’re introduced to a hybrid Alien-Predator (’Predalien’ apparently); again quite how or why that came about I neither know nor care to be honest. Also why, when things are clearly going tits-up and he’s outnumbered massively, Clive decides to stay on earth to sort it out rather than either calling for reinforcements or just thinking “Fuck it, it’s not my planet” and scarpering is beyond me. Obviously there needs to be some sort of suspension of belief with movies of this nature, but you’d have to have the brain of a 4 year old not to notice the massive shortcomings in every single department of this movie.

The first two Alien movies and the first Predator movie were classics of their time. Each film was very different in feel, enough so that they felt like separate entities but very much of the same body. The tension, the suspense, the well-crafted action, the individual and memorable characters all in abundance in these three films “and even to some extent in their immediate sequels” yet so obvious in its absence here. Having watched the first Alien vs. Predator movie (and been massively disappointed) I was pointed in the direction of this trailer and was pleasantly surprised; I genuinely thought it showed some promise. How wrong I was? Even the basic idea of the first AvP had some interesting, if poorly executed ideas, but this steaming turgid pile of celluloid is so bereft of ideas that one person I went with fell asleep and the other spent the entire movie turning to me to inform me of how appalling this experience was for her. As if I needed telling!

So, let’s summarise and try to come up with some sort of conclusion here. Avoid this film at all costs. Perhaps I’m getting cynical in my old age and some pubescent adolescents will get some sort of fix from this, but how I really am not sure. There is nothing, save a rather gloriously pert girl’s bottom, that makes this film watchable in the slightest. As I walked out of the cinema I turned to my friend and said “well, at least the end-credit music is good”�, and that, film-fans, just about sums this film up nicely.